golden_brenda

hello again hello

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 15:16:36 GMT

It has been weeks and weeks since i have made a journal entry. I have been very busy with a daughter who has returned from her mission in Brazil and a son who is filling out papers to leave on a mission.

My son will be gone for two years and he has many silver fillings to be replaced and four wisdom teeth to be extracted. Two of which are impacted. It is very costly and and Miles is the nervous type who doesn't do well with worrying about the pain of the extractions. I did give him a Xanax to alleviate some of the stress today.

I also was fortunate enough to be able to go on a trip to the French West Indies. The water was clear and warm and the temperature on the islands was perfect. The sun was so warm; I couldn't get enough of it. I stayed on my friends boat, the Morocha, which had 9 bedrooms and was bigger than my home. I did have some violent seasickness when we were out in the rough waters between Anguilla and Saint Bart's. That was not very pretty.

The weather here in Michigan is gross-lots of gray skies mixed with patchy snow and rain. I look forward to spring and I have seen the sweet crocuses poking through the soil by my front door. It always lets me know that the end of bad weather is drawing near!

no itching

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 21:24:51 GMT

Today is the first day in about a month in a half that I have almost no itching and asthma. I am so happy about it. If anyone who is reading this has been through weeks and weeks of uncontrollable scratching and wheezing, then you will feel for me. The doctor thinks it is the red dye in the new thyroid medication and I am hoping that he is correct. The high dose of this medication is used to shrink the large nodules in my neck. And so, we have returned to the previous medication and I cut pills up to increase the dosage. I feel so much better.

The winter is about to return to Michigan; we are expecting some snow this evening. Also, Mitt Romney will be at a small school, about one mile from my house, tonight as well. I am expecting that he will be here overnight because his speech is at 6;00 p.m. If he is here overnight,I am hopeful that will come to our church tomorrow.

Sixty Four

Tue, 08 Jan 2008 01:54:21 GMT

Today was a January thaw-sixty four degrees!I opened up windows and shut the heat off. It was more than wonderful.

Miles and I were driving around to kill time before Shannon had to be picked up from her dance classes tonight. We were driving through a supermarket parking lot and I spotted a swift, red fox( I think we had a book called this when I was in first grade). He looked right at us and took off across the street and back into a field of leftover cornstalks. I followed him because I was curious as to where he was going. He was rather small and had a cute, little face. I would like to have patted him just to feel his coat.

strange foods

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 02:12:21 GMT

I recently was checking out an internet site where people were discussing the strange things they eat. One person confesses to enjoying raw bacon, while others make odd sandwiches out of pickles,, peanut butter, and mayo.

I cannot say I am an adventurous eater. I enjoy foods from many different cultures, but I cannot stomach the thought of eating the more undesirable parts from animals. These would include eyes, claws, hoofs, stomachs,etc...

My son read that in certain parts of China that they are raising Saint Bernard dogs for food. He said that the website is-snopes.com. I know that the rule in Asia is if the animal's back faces the sun, they are eligible to be eaten. I cannot imagine eating a dog. It makes me upset to even think about this too much.

eat,pray, love

Fri, 04 Jan 2008 16:58:09 GMT

I just finished reading this book by Elizabeth Gilbert and I really enjoyed it. I don't exactly agree on some of her philosophies, but it gave me a lot to think about.

In one part of the book, the author, who is always searching for happiness and peace, goes to Italy to live for four months. I've always been intrigued by the relaxed atmosphere the French and the Italians have in their lives. They seems so unhurried and at peace when they are doing nothing. They have a sweet expression in Italy," Il bel far niente" and it means the beauty of doing nothing. They are hardworkers, but know how to relax, enjoy the relaxation and not feel guilt about it. I want that.

In another chapter ,the author spends four months doing yoga and living at an ashram. She learns how to focus her mind and how to spend time alone in thought. This is quite a challenge for her and although I have no desire to meditate for hours on end, I do like the peace she has found through meditation and I think that I would like to incorporate some of that into my life. She says in the book that praying is talking to God and meditation is listening. The listening is hard because your mind can wander. The author struggles with this and finds a way to deal with it.

I would recommend this book, although the time she spent in India was a little wordy and I wanted to skip some of this.

the new year

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 17:49:37 GMT

Today is the start of the new year for me. I have plans for nothing but peace, love and good things. As I write, my fourteen year old is whining that he cannot shovel the driveway again and he is repeating the words mom, mom, mom over and over again. My goal is to say things once and to not let him negotiate, negotiate, negotiate!! His final words as he closes the front door to the house is,"it's not fair".

I also have plans on having a very healthy body and soul. I had too many health problems in 2007 and just thinking about them makes me feel like an old, weary woman. I plan on adding a gratitude journal to my life, as I feel like this will surely help me to keep things in perspective when trouble rears its ugly head. Oh yeah, I nearly forgot that there will be nothing but peace in 2008.

Also, I have plans on incorporating whole grains back into my diet. I know it is more work to actually grind up that wheat and use it , but my body works better without white flour and too much sugar. I feel pleasure in making meals from whole foods. I have one more thing that I plan to do. I am incredibly happy when I don't use my electric dryer and I hang clothes from a clothesline. This means I actually have to get out to the back yard and climb a ladder to remove excess branches to get some strong spring sunlight in April. I do have my Holly home from her mission at the end of February and she will more than likely help me. There is something peaceful about the hanging of the laundry and the thought that the sun and wind dry it for me free of charge.

A December to Remember

Mon, 10 Dec 2007 17:22:35 GMT

Yesterday a speaker gave a really good talk that inspired me. He called it a December to Remember and talked about what we could personally do to make this Christmas memorable this year. It is so easy to get caught up in the "what people want" and "what is on sale" and what haven't I accomplished that still needs to be done , and what will I cook or bake for the holidays that everyone will enjoy.

I don't slow down enough to actually have time to just think and ponder. When I do relax, I am in front of the television set and my mind is not actually resting. I get caught up in this whirlwind and can't get out. And so....my goal for the rest of this month is to actually be in the moment . I am going to try to enjoy each bit of the day. I will try to not overdo everything.

Stress

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 17:53:04 GMT

Stress is such a strange thing. I end up grinding my teeth while I sleep and then wake up with a sore jaw. Sometimes my jaw is actually stuck and it hurts. I also wake up in the middle of the night and just think. I try to focus on relaxing and falling back to sleep, but it seems nearly impossible to do. I am short with other people and not really myself. I have a hard time focusing.

I want to handle stress better. I know there are lots of things that one can do to relax, but I don't quite know how to go about it. I did take a tranquilizer today, hoping that I can slow down just a bit.

I think that everyone has stress and some handle it so gracefully. I want to be one of those people

Leaves and dog poop

Tue, 20 Nov 2007 19:43:16 GMT

I am finally getting control over the fallen leaves in the backyard. We have beautiful Maples and one old Hickory that both lose a considerable amount of leaves. This autumn, the grass has become a blanket of yellows and some oranges. The weather is sill quite agreeable with temperatures into the fifties in our part of Michigan and consequently the leaves have fallen late. When I looked out at the yard today, it was difficult to see what work, if any ,had actually been accomplished yesterday. Many leaves had fallen in the night and there is still much work to be done. I have a nasty blister on the side of my thumb and some dog poop stuck in the grooves on the bottom of my shoe. Also, I have several stuffed bags at the curbside waiting for pickup. That is my proof of the hard work I have done.

Thanksgiving is only two days away and I love this warmth before the cold sets in. I will begin to make pies tonight and only wish I could have some family here from out of town to visit with. I have invited several people to join us and two are New Englanders.

We are still waiting from the school district for as punishment for our son. I wish they would just make up their minds, as patience is not one of my best qualities.

I could use some prayers

Sat, 17 Nov 2007 17:58:35 GMT

I could really use some help. My son, Austin, has made some really bad choices and is in trouble with the law. He sneaked out of our house when I was sleeping and vandalized school property. I am disappointed and ashamed. I thought that I had taught him well and that when push came to shove that he would do the right thing. I was wrong. I love him and want to protect him and I also know he needs to be punished. Please keep us in your prayers. I want our family to be happy and I know prayers will help us.

first frost

Fri, 02 Nov 2007 16:18:14 GMT

Last night we had our first frost of the year. This afternoon has warmed up considerably and the frost has gone, but I know what will be coming next, and that would be snow. We get a lot of snow in this area of Michigan because we live on the lake and we get "lake effect snow". What this means is that you could be in a neighboring community with the sun out (anytime October through April) and when you hit our area the sun has gone and it is snowing, snowing, snowing. I guess it has something to do with the warm air over the water.

I have lived in beautiful New England where the sun shines on frigid days. The temperature is difficult, but you generally have that wonderful sun to keep your spirits up. I have also lived in Utah, where winter comes and goes so quickly. In March we would tan ourselves on rooftops. It was a beautiful season and the sun would shine regularly.

I need sun. I dread the coming of the winter and I don't know if I can stay here for the rest of my life because of the missing sunshine. I do light a fire in my fireplace almost daily and that does seem to have some of the same effects as the sun .

I have gotten into the habit of tanning in a bed through most of the winter which does help, but is terrible for your skin. Seasonal Affect Disorder is quite common here. The doctor even suggests putting pink lightbulbs in our homes to help with this.

Hello fleas welcome back

Tue, 30 Oct 2007 17:40:39 GMT

I have received the results from my biopsy--negative!!Yay. I have been so preoccupied with some other health issues that I needed this to be good news. I am now taking a higher dose of Synthroid to help shrink the buggers(multinoidal--there are three of them) I also had a blessing on Sunday which put my mind at ease.

On another note, we have fleas!! Not me or the family, but the dogs. I was only 14 days late in getting the medicine onto the dogs and the fleas have come back. I am in the process of getting them out and dead. It is costly. Ouch--the good stuff is twenty dollars a bottle, but it works and I can not have bugs in the house. I sprayed each pup down and treated the carpets. I am on my way to the laundromat to wash the down comforter and the doggie beds. I have definitely inconvenienced the dogs. Pumpkin does not like to be wet and Gus has tried to hide behind the couch, but I will succeed.

Viginia called

Wed, 17 Oct 2007 23:22:17 GMT

Virginia called to tell me that her toilet was clogged and what should she do about it? Darling, you use a plunger! She said that she didn't have one and didn't know where the store was. I wish I could be there to watch her plunging her very own toilet!! On second thought...yuck. My baby is growing up!

We had a huge ordeal when we brought her up to her new apartment. I guess the other girls in the apartment thought that since she wasn't there and they had already smashed her door in , that they could sleep in her bed, use her bathroom and all of its' contents, take jewelry and keep it as well as new towels and other things.

I quickly put my mother intincts to work( slight exaggeration because I called my sister Kathy to find out if I was doing the right thing) and got Virginia alone. We needed to get her out very quickly before she had moved in permanently.

It took all day, but by 5p.m. we had a new apartment with a very sweet girl from Canada.It was a very, very long day. The new apartment was also on the first floor which was another bonus( the other was on the third floor).

I miss her sooooo much and I am so glad that Miles taught me how to text message when he was in high school because Virginia has already sent me many text messages.

my biopsy

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:24:49 GMT

I was told that i needed to have a biopsy on the massive growth in my thyroid and so I complied. I have had a needle biopsy before and I was dreading it. This was far worse than the last.

They had me upside down (just my head back ,but I feel the need to make my experience seem as horrifying as it felt) and the doctor plunged five needles into the nodules. I wished I could have been any other place but there at that time.I actually felt a wee bit of hate for the doctor ,who was efficient but unfriendy.

These types of tumors are generally benign and so I am not sure that I will ever have this procedure again. My neck, ears and jaw all hurt so much today and I had the procedure yesterday.

I cannot imagine the medical stuff that people that lose limbs,have terrible diseases and cancers have to endure. All I had were were tiny needles in me and I feel the need to complain.

Who let the dogs out?

Tue, 16 Oct 2007 21:08:18 GMT

I convinced Virginia that we would have a great time if she came on a walk with me and all of the dogs. I don't think that she had much fun...

We drove down to the lake. The wind was so gusty and on this rare occasion, there were giant waves. There actually were two surfers and someone on one of those sailboards with a giant parachute riding the waves. The snow fences were already positioned for the first blowing snow of the season.

We walked down the beach with dogs becoming tangled with nearly every step.Pumpkin actually pooped on the beach and we were disciplined by a maintenance worker I was laughing and Virginia definitely was not. I began to run(actually an ugly,clumsy jog, but I am envisioning myself running). The dogs seemed to be having the time of their lives. I climbed down a shelf that was made in the sand by the water and got caught up in the rushing tide. I was soaking and cold and the dogs were all wet, too.

Although we were sandy and wet, we let the dogs sleep in the car for a while and Virginia and I had a lunch together.

I had a great day

Times they are a changin'

Tue, 09 Oct 2007 23:05:31 GMT

Well, another child is about to leave our home to go off and get her life started. Virginia, who came into this world on a cold, December evening, was very much a wanted child. She spent most of her days and nights attached to my body,either on my hip,nursing or in a snugli. She had little tolerance for anyone else, which resulted in a close bond between us.

Now she is leaving...I am aware that the timing is right. She is an independent girl with a strong set of values and her own opinion about most things. She is ready to face all of the challenges that lay ahead of her.

Me, well I am not sure what to do with just two children left. I have spent the last 18 or so years cooking for crowds, buying ten boxes of cereal when they are on sale and I feel odd now that things are changing. I am not sure what my role will be when they have all gone.

I don't think that I like this.........

our trip to see the Indianapolis Colts

Tue, 02 Oct 2007 18:18:09 GMT

Mark won a lottery to see the Indianapolis Colts play a game. It did cost us $50.00 per person, which included the bus trip, parking and the ticket. We didn't have the funds to spend on this trip, but it was something that Mark really wanted to do and I feel the two youngest kids have missed out on a lot of family togetherness. Retail value would have been about double, so it was a good deal. What was memorable to me was not the actual game, but the bonding that went on between our youngest daughter and her father.

Mark had been mentally ill and not on the correct medication for so long that he seemed to have virtually destroyed every relationship in our house. I never thought that Shannon or Virginia would or could ever accept his love . His illness made him spend most of his free time alone or angry at everyone. Who could know that children could be so forgiving?

Shannon and Mark sat together on the bus on the way to Indianapolis and on the way back. She talked to him during most of the trip and on occasion she rested her head on his shoulders. I saw them both laughing periodically as she shared many things with him. Mark and Shannon had such a great day together.

I would never have believed this if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes. I am so grateful for this new medication that Mark is on and I have to work hard at not being bitter for all the time Mark's illness stole from us.

I am grateful for prayerfully questioning divorce when things were so black that I couldn't see the light of day. I actually listened and waited...something I am not very good at. I realize now that I couldn't see the big picture and my Heavenly Father could. I am humbly grateful for that. I had asked for answers so many times and felt that I just needed to wait. I did............

Autumn

Thu, 27 Sep 2007 00:52:56 GMT

Autumn sneaks into Michigan in a queer way. We have 90 degree weather for a week and then bam!!cold, cold cold! I do love the crispness of the air and the faint smell of wood burning in someone's fire place in the distance. I do not love the prospect of shoveling mountains of snow in the near future or of cold poodles who would rather not go out to urinate (one of mine actually hides under the bed when I make the early morning call for the poodles to go out).

School and football are well under way. The "big game" of St. Joe and our nearby rival, Lakeshore, is set for Friday. I am working the concession stand and we are expecting 8 thousand people to attend. It is the first year we are anticipated to win after a 17 game losing streak to Lakeshore. That is alot of years (15) to be the big losers. I hope that we win!

My mother

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 23:23:09 GMT

Tomorrow I have to give a relief society lesson on repentance and I am struggling. Usually I prepare so easily and I just feel so unpeaceful right now. My unrest in my heart is ...my mother.

My mother and I both breed dogs and this is why I have resumed a relationship with her after many years of living without contact. This is what we have in common. It gave us something to talk about. Because we both share this hobby, it has enabled me to be in her life and through this I have learned that there are things that I like about her and that we share some personality traits. She breeds Sharpei and I breed Poodles. She is much more invovled with the breeding and it has become her life. All of her dogs are kenneled and follow a rigid schedule. Breeding is her livlihood and I understand this.

I want the reader to understand my struggles with my mother are deeply rooted. I am the child of an alcoholic and I endured much heartache as a teen and young adult because of this. I have never had my mother as most girls do for the birth of babies, alive or stillborn. My adult children have met her twice and my two youngest have no memory of ever meeting her, until last year when I drove to Maine at Thanksgiving. I have lived in Michigan for ten years and she has never come, nor did she ever attend my wedding ( she lived ten minutes down the road from the Temple that I was married in)

My mother has puppies and I feel like it is so much a business that she has forgotten the compassion for these animals. Today she called me and complained about not being able to get a breeding with one of her newer dogs. The dog nipped and did not want to be bred, My mother muzzled her. Yuck. The thought of that alone upsets me. Then Maggie, the dog, unhappy with the muzzle, bit her tongue, which bled. Shock came next. I received a call telling me that the dog died today. She bled to death????How??? I am so angry. How could she let that happen. That poor dog was adopted by her just a little bit ago. Is a breeding worth all that pain and suffering for that dog? I am sick over it. Maggie died because she didn't want to be bred.

How can I forgive her right now? It is not the first time that she has been so insensitive...I love dogs and the thought of that pup bleeding just makes me so angry.She is so callused.

I have problems with grudges and I have to get over this. I don't want to talk to her because I just don't agree with so many things she does with her dogs and it is the one thing that we have in common.

Dido--"The Best Day Of My Life"

Sat, 22 Sep 2007 22:41:45 GMT

I was on a cybex machine at the YMCA today and I was listening to my music when a Dido song came on that I really like. It is entitled, " The Best Day Of My life". It got me thinking as to what the best day of my life was...

I thought of many great days: The day I delivered a baby and looked into his or her eyes(that day happened five times for me) and I felt pure joy on those days, a day Mark and I went on a nature walk with all five of our children and we were near the ocean in Rhode Island and it was a beautiful walk through a grassy path and all the kids were so happy, a day when I was young and it was late at night and we were at one of our cottages down the Cape and the ice cream man came and I had a sundae( there was no restriction on bedtime and that was a really freeing feeling) , a summer day, also on Cape Cod, when my friend Joan and I were at a marshy area at the ocean and we were all alone and I found a huge conch shell with a giant snail in it, a Halloween day that i delivered our first litter of puppies and they were all nursing and we had a warm fire in the fireplace for them, a day when I was out on my friend's yacht and we were sailing through crystal clear waters of the West Indies and the wind and smell were perfect, and so many more great days....but the best day.........

I think the best day was a day that I was with my little sister, Kristen, and we were both in high school. It was a summer day and our family had a cottage on Cape Cod. We went on a daytrip by ourselves to the very tip of the cape called Provincetown. We went to the beach at the very edge of Massachusetts where the peninsula sticks out into the Atlantic Ocean. We didn't stay where everyone else was on the beach, we walked down the shore to an isolated place where the lighthouse was visible. There was a spot where the riptide circled around onto the beach. You could lay your body onto the slowly rushing water and you could ride it all the way out to the ocean. We only rode it a short distance, never going near the ocean itself, for fear that the riptide would be faster and dangerous. We had so mach fun that day. We took our bathing suit tops off and I felt so free. We had no cares or worries that day. The sun was warm and the gentle rush of the water(which was also warm) was exhilirating. I loved that day and I will remember it all of my life.

I'm tumorific

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 01:42:33 GMT

I went to have my pulmonary testing today to see if my thyroid tumor is resting on my lung, and I believe all looked well. The girl who did the testing implied that it looked normal and I just need for my doctor to get the results to talk to me.

My next test is an ultrasound so that the endocrinologist can see the placement of it and determine its size. I know that it is large and it does impede my ability to breathe in certain positions. It is mostly when I sit back or lie down that I have to adjust my body to get comfortable.

I plan on keeping this tumor as a pet. No really, I will keep it in my body if it is benign because it is near a lot of scar tissue from the removal of my last tumor and also it is close to my voicebox.

Holly

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 17:44:24 GMT

It is so much fun to get e-mails from Holly every week. This week she had one baptism and she has five scheduled for next week. She is living on a farm in Passo Fundo and she is loving it. She says that the city is full of trees and plants and is a little hilly. The members feed her and her companion, Sister Lima, really well and it makes me feel so grateful to those church members who take their time and money to feed my daughter, who I love so much. I love this gospel and the fact that my daughter is loved and cared for is another one of the blessings in my life.

In turn, I try to feed our Elders here in Michigan ,regularly. I have done it for years, sometimes feeding them once a week and sometimes just once or twice a month. I know they have brought joy into our home and these Elders who come to our house have been a great example to our children. Sometimes I don't have a Priesthood holder here, as Mark is at work alot and Miles is now gone. So, when I have money to take them out to lunch it is great because they feel like it is a big treat and I don't have to worry about having a riesthood holder at home.

alone again

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 23:38:45 GMT

Virginia is at work . Austin,who is fourteen and constantly avoiding questions about where he is, what he is doing and what time he will return, and our youngest daughter Shannon are at the high school football game. I feel like I shouldn't have to go watch the varsity since Miles is no longer here and playing football. I.

I really don't like this alone stuff.

Miles, who has been away for four whole days, doesn't even call or anything. I really miss him,.

Holly comes home from her mission in five months and I am counting down the days.

Mark is at work.

I do have four dogs to keep me company, but I wish they could talk.

Mold

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 20:09:07 GMT

I have mold in my house as a result of the flooding and I fear that I may have to take down some of the walls in the basement. The ceiling in the bathroom also has signs of mold and my house has a funky smell.I hate wierd smelly things.

Mark won a lottery for a professional football game between the Indy Colts and the Denver Broncos. I think Austin will be so excited and I wish Miles were here to come with us. I used to love going to the New England Patriots games with my dad when I was a kid. Those were some really great memories I have of spending time with my dad. He was alot of fun and remarkably kid like!

Come to think of it my dad did some really crazy things. He would try to climb up on the handrails of the escalator at the mall and laugh hysterically when you were embarrassed by it. Also he would try to take off his shirt in public and sing as loud as he could, just because he thought it was funny. I had so much fun with him!

Home again, home again, jiggidy jig

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 15:44:15 GMT

The last four days have been really long, stressful ones, but finally I am home again.

I took Miles to BYU-I and left him. I always feel so badly about the leaving part. I know that he was excited about finally getting to school ( his friends left a couple of weeks ago), but he acted really strange once we were there. The things that were odd-- he wouldn't let me or his Grandma into his apartment, he was acting like he was cool, he was saying that he didn't want me to buy too much food for him because it was wierd . He had five other roomates and four of them were return missionaries and so I think that because no one else had their moms there, he didn't want to look like a baby!

I am so glad that he already knowsa couple of kids there and that a girl from our ward, who is an angel, was showing him around and being his friend. She has had a crush on him for so many years and was unable to date him because Miles and Sydney were exclusive.

He is so young( he just turned 18) and inexperienced in the world.I love him and will miss him.

I did spend four days with Mark's mom, who talked like a Myna bird, the whole trip. And did I mention that the stories that she told were guaranteed to be repeats???I love her and enjoyed being with her , I just feel like I would like to go to a monastery and not have to hear anyone talk for a couple of months.